3 Reasons Why Your Marriage/Relationship is Failing
Have you ever sat staring into space wondering what went wrong? How did we get here? Where did the love go? The days leading up to your failed marriage become a blur as you try to break down the facts as you see them. You don’t understand how such a good person like yourself ended up in this massive mess. After all, you treated him well. You were committed. You even washed his dirty drawers and cooked him dinner on your most tired days.
You pour over all of the reasons why you are not to blame for this because you are such a wonderful catch…. and well, he’s not. Unfortunately, more often than not, this is where many people go wrong. Most of us know that change happens when there is some type of shift in attitude, behavior, and or outlook. This failed marriage can turn into a successful one if only he would, “see what I am saying” or “make a change.”
How You Indirectly Contribute To Your Failed Marriage
Women are especially guilty of this. We float on the pedestal that we place ourselves on and dream of all the reasons why we are the one to make a person change who they are. We enter marriages and relationships with these pre-conceived ideas of what it’s supposed to look like without ever actually saying aloud what we want.
We ignore flags, even the ones flying bright and bold directly in our face because … at least we are in a relationship. Never mind the fact that it sucks. We are painfully polite in fear that voicing our wants, needs, desires will spark an uproar or cause a fight. We’d rather “not say anything” thinking it will remedy the situation when all it does is build resentment.
We are quick to point the finger instead of turning that finger inward. An important thing to remember in marriages and relationships is that you cannot change a person. Even in those instances where you are in no way at fault and when you are truly hurt and when it’s so easy to say “HE DID THIS” … learn how to pause and figure out how you played part in this.
This takes a tremendous amount of personal growth. Below are a few questions you should ask yourself when you find yourself sad, hurt, wanting out. Don’t Play the victim. Do the work. This is your life.
Questions To Ask Yourself When You Face Problems in A Relationship
- Why does what he did or said bother me to this degree?
- What happened in my past to cause these type actions a trigger?
- What is the work that I need to do to make sure that this type of thing doesn’t bother me like this again?
- Could I have responded to him in a different way? Should I have given myself a moment and walk away?
- What is it about me that feels I have to tolerate his behavior?
- Where in my past or childhood did I learn to accept love and affection in this way? How can I reprogram?
- Did I portray a false truth in making him think that I was okay with him?
- If he never changes, can I be happy here?
- Why am I so afraid to walk away from this situation?
These are just some of the things that you can ask yourself. Notice it does not focus on the partner. Get in the habit of being unbelievably honest with yourself because usually our partner told or showed us who they are in the very beginning. It was us who disregarded that truth and it was at that point we became the liar.
Here are 3 Reasons You Are Likely In a Failing or Failed Marriage / Relationship.
Failed Marriage / Relationship Reason #1:
You’re Continuously Waiting On or Trying to Change Your Partners Behavior Instead of Focusing on Your Own
You cannot change anyone. Period. End of Sentence. Paragraph Over. Continue to verbalize what you want and then go after what you want. I am still waiting for my husband to join a gym and workout with me but my workouts without him are awesome.
Be unapologetic in the fact that what you want for your life matters. Don’t wait. Go get it. Do it.
Failed Marriage / Relationship Reason #2:
You Depend on Your Spouse’s/Partner’s Action (or Inaction) for Your Happiness
A big chunk of the work you need to do in order to save your marriage (if you want) or even better, save yourself is to realize that you are your own person. You should not depend on the actions or inactions of another person to make you happy. It doesn’t matter if this is your husband of 20 years or the guy you just met last week. Any joy another person brings should be an addition to the joy that comes from within.
Failed Marriage / Relationship Reason #3:
You Have Been/Are Lying to Yourself About What You Want.
Let’s just be honest. You lied. The idea of this marriage or relationship was appealing but you (you with all of her layers removed), knew that you wanted a guy who was a vegetarian, or who went to church and prayed more, or who didn’t want kids or who was a romantic (or whatever) but you hid those truths in hopes that they would morph into the guy you’ve dreamt of. You ignored things that matter to you to falsely become the person he wanted you to be.
It’s time to come clean with what you want. Say them out loud instead of tip-toeing around your truths. Get ready to make a decision… You can either
- Accept your spouse are partner as they are and tune into your happiness around the truths as they are being presented (i.e. using the examples above, be a vegetarian by yourself and make the best meat meals for him or go to church/pray by yourself- maybe call up some friends, open yourself to the idea of having kids, plan the romantic dates yourself and give him a time to show up)
- Begin work on making your exit plan and follow through.
Start with forgiving yourself. It’s never too late to manifest what you want in life but you have to stop pointing fingers and go inward.
Focus on Self
Do Your Own Work