Help! I Am In A Boring Relationship. I Feel Like A Roommate [What I Told My Husband Word for Word]
You remember in college when you got a roommate to help split the bills; you both got along “for the most part” but you really lived separate lives? That’s exactly how I feel with my husband and it sucks. This boring relationship is driving me insane and I feel resentment building.
We don’t do anything. We work, take care of the kid, come home, cook, watch dumbass TV and go to sleep. That’s it. The cycle is on repeat every day of the week and I often times find myself wondering, “is this really my life?” What’s the point of getting married or doing life with someone if what you get is a life with no sparks and blah? Of course, single life had its bad moments, but at least I didn’t have to wait for permission to have fun. Fun was on my terms.
I kind of feel stuck. I need help.
I love my husband but I don’t want this life. I need excitement and I want it with him. How do we get the spark back? It seems like all he cares about is work work work and I am often in my head wondering, “I am grateful for a hard working man, but if the result of “working so hard” is the dissolution of our family then no thanks. Isn’t there a balance or is the payoff for having a family?
I recently asked a friend for advice regarding my boring relationship. She suggested I have a conversation with my husband. The last thing I wanted to do was play the victim as if I play no part in the extreme boredom. I get it, we don’t have as much sex as we used to. I am extremely tired from work. I feel like I handle most of the house chores so I resent him for not helping out more. I mean, the list could go on for days; I am willing to admit where I need work.
A few days went by before I decided to take my friend’s advice and have the conversation with my husband. I feared he would get mad or think I wanted out. What if it turned into a big fight or worse, what if he doesn’t give a shit and turns into Mr. Nonchalant. Somehow, I managed to silence the resistance and sat him down for a talk.
What I Said to My Husband About Our Boring Relationship
Me: “Hey babe, remember before we got married and had a baby, how fun and spontaneous we used to be. I know things are a bit different now; we have more bills, responsibility, and less time for each other but I want us to work on getting a tiny bit of that back more frequently. I know we both are working hard to make sure bills are paid and I love you so much for all of your hard work. I just miss you. I miss the life and excitement that you used to have when you looked at me.
Me: “I’ve been feeling a bit bored of our everyday routine. You don’t have to say it, I know you’ve been bored too (at least if I were you I would be bored). I haven’t been giving you that much attention either. I’ve just been lost in work and mom life and it’s spilling over into our relationships.
Me: ” What would it look like if we committed to a bit more us time? In the past, I’ve been scared to leave the baby with anyone else but I am ready now. What if we sent the baby away, say… once a month or whatever and took a day to deeply reconnect. We can go out or stay in but what if it was just us. Would you be open to that”
…… (the conversation went on between both of us)
Why I Made it About Me
I made it about me because it was about me. I was the one bored and I was the one coming to him with the problem with hopes of finding a solution. But really… I didn’t want to fight or make him feel like I was attacking him. We had been fighting enough. I knew if I would have started the conversation with “You don’t do enough of…” he would’ve shut down. Men are sensitive that way.
I knew that I wanted us to both agree to something that would possibly work for the both of us. The truth is, I am proud of him and I am grateful that he wants to work hard for us. I was just bored AF. I wanted to make sure he knew how much I was proud before I came in with “Dude..this relationship sucks”
Overall, I am happy that he was open, willing to listen and adjust things with me.
Do you think I handled this the right way? What would do differently?